I'm not the Whore I Used to Be...

19 October 2005

I'm a little worried that I am starting to do something obnoxious...like act my age...whatever the hell that means. For all intents and purposes, I was a late bloomer when it came to just about everything. I didn't really start puberty until well into the 8th grade (I was taunted horribly in junior high by folks that couldn't figure out if I was a boy or a girl...the sad thing is that I recently found a picture of me from the 8th grade...and my first thought was...who is this tranny in the banana yellow sweat suit).  I didn't have sexual relations with a man or a woman until I was 17, and I didn't get drunk until just before I turned 19 (I managed to make it through my entire freshman year of college without getting drunk!!! I bet that is proof enough to get me canonized). 

During high school I became terribly addicted to fantasy novels and all the romanticism that they engendered. And, so, when I left Minneapolis and the closet, I was sure that just around the bend I would find my studly elf prince who would soar into my life on the back of a magnicifent golden dragon...who was fresh from eating the knight in shining armor and his stupid white horse. Our love would be eternal, and we'd live happily ever after in an enchanted forest where the other elves would sing improvised songs to honor our love immortal.  Then I had my first one night stand...which was totally unintentional. I'd been out at Scandal's (the local gay bar in Asheville, NC) with some friends, and I met this studly football player/cheerleader (why not?) named Brandon from Appalachian State  University. To say that he was hot would be an understatement.  He spent the night in my dorm room, and we did things to make the RA angry (serves her right...I don't know how many times I had to politely go up to her room and ask her to uh...turn down her "music" at 3am).  Well, the next morning I just knew that this was it. This was the one. By the following day I wasn't so sure. And when he hadn't returned my phone calls by the third day, we'll...I ran to the nearest lesbian...laid my head in her lap...and denounced men and their man-whorish ways.

Little did I know that experience would shape a callous over my young queer heart and set me on the path to the Man Whore Period of my life.  Somehow, that experience (following a tragic breakup the year before) destroyed my fantasy of happily ever after. The dragon was shot down.  The elf was decapitated, and they clear cut our enchanted forest. I had obviously fallen into the Bitter River and been tainted by its foul magics.

I decided somewhere between the age of 20 and 23 that love was something that happened to other folks. So I decided that I would go the traditional route of the male species and do what I needed to do to get my rocks off, fuck love and relationships, and go on about my business. Unfortunately for me, I have never had much luck at being an Evil Queen or at being able to divorce my emotions from physicality or my emtions from anything for that matter. But I did my damndest...more or less, except for a year and a half relationship with my ex-partner Rich (wonderful man that put up with WAY too much shit from me that he neither deserved nor earned...he works now for the National Institutes for Health...if anyone sees him...tell him that I'm a shmuck and I make public penanence for everything...except the fight with the drag queen...she deserved that one), I had basically written off most men and set myself inside an internal gated community that requires a certain dick size to access...and then it's only for an overnight pass.

But somewhere...in the last six month...something has changed. By no means have I been celibate. And to the outside world it probably seems as if its bidness as usual with Brandon the Easy...but really...I'm finding that occasional hook-ups for sex are not what I want. Not at all. They have been fun when they've happened...but...really...when its time for the trick to go (or time for me to go home)....I'm left realizing that I want something more. Now this is in no way a condemnation of sex or frequent sex with lots and lots of people. I believe that sex is a wonderful thing...that you should have sex as much as is good for you...and that anyone that tries to judge you or guilt you for having wild passionate monkey lovin' jungle sex...should get a clue, a dildo, some lube, and sit on it.  But for me, at least for now, sex without something more has started to run its course. Somehow...the dragon has been resurrected, the elf prince has found his head, and through an aggressive reforestation process the Enchanted Forest has been regrown.  But this time there is something different at work. In the past, I thought I needed the elf and his lizard in order to be a whole person. I'm secure in  knowing that I am a beautiful...ummm..maiden...that is a righteous princess in her own right...and any elf that thinks about stepping to this better have a two dragon garage...cuz Mama is packing her own fire breather.

I may not be the whore that I used to be...but neither am I the 13 year old androgyne waiting to be swept off zer feet.  Watch out world...I was dangerous when I thought love was just for other people...I'm down right hazardous now that I believe it is out there and waiting for me.

P.S. I've been informed that you may be required to enter Friendster in order to post comments on the  blog. If you have comments, and you don't want to join friendster...feel free to email me at camposvive@hotmail.com.

Comments

[RoDrIgO]

its called growing up brandon..i know its wierd..pero asi es la vida..we were talking about you..yesterday...we saw this add for lavender on a bus...and it was advertising gay cuisine...which baffeled me...shows how much i know...but the convo..turned into poetry..and i said..one of my fave poets locally is you...i talked about your poems..and i got misty eyed..i heard lupe can't make the...NOV.7 gig..call manny..y dile que te ponga...of course...bella and nubia send their besos..

[Jeremy]

god damn it takes everything in the world for me to try to post on here. this thing is innefficient. anyways. brandon, you are not a late bloomer. i got you beat. 1) I started puberty toward the end of 9th grade 2) i didn't get drunk for the first time until i turned 23, post-college, and you were there for that experience 3) i'm now just starting my random hook-up whoring days...really didn't have much of that in college cos i had no car and the LGBT resource center was just filled with mean ole fat white lesbians. not my cup of tea. and i never had dorm sex. damn it. i guess it's worth it though, cos instead of burning out my flame in a few years, it burns strong and steady like a pilot light. it just don't go away.