Love Fucking Sucks...

PJ and I are no more. Not my choice. Nothing I did. It's because of fear. Fear of what may happen and being afraid to take on that fear and embrace what wonderful things could happen...the acknowledgement of everything that has happened was there and very real. But somehow the reality of what has taken place...the love...the laughter...the excitement...the joy...the tears...came up against so much pain and fear and that's what held the day.  Please know that there isn't judgement in that statement. But that is reality. PJ gave up the possibility of being happy in the context of our relationship because of the possibility of being hurt. I understand it. That is a very tough thing to face. And there are times in our lives when the spectre of pain is more than we can handle. Even when the truth that has been so far said that what pain there would be would be from growth...and not from willful or unmindful regard for the person you love. I was afraid that fear would take PJ out of my life. And...it did.

I'm a fighter from way back. The hardest thing about this is that there is nothing for me to fight. Absolutely nothing. This is a one person war with one person that has the power to determine the outcome. And I am not it. The decisions have been made. The battle plans drawn up. And this time the choice was to retreat. Next time...with another person...I hope it will be to advance...full on. Believe me...I used all of my mighty powers of persuasion, coercion, begging, to try and somehow wiggle my way into that fight. PJ was right when he said that this wasn't about me. And for the first time I really believe that. There is nothing possibly more that I could have done to show my love and respect and honor for him. And I know that he felt all that I gave to him. I also know that somehow that wasn't enough...and I also understand that there was nothing that I could have done or said that would have been enough. I am loud. But I can't compete with the voice inside someone elses head. That voice knows all of our weaknesses...it knows all of the what ifs and its possibles to keep us off balance and protective of ourselves...even when that fear becomes a jail cell for the possibility of something beautiful and the little voice becomes the warden. I have lived for so long as a prisoner of my own protective barriers (fear among other things). This time I made the choice to say fuck the fear. And I am really proud of that choice. I wish that I couldn't understand not being able to do that at all times. Ten months ago...I would happily built another wall around myself and thrown things at PJ from the parapets when he showed up offering the potential for happiness. I acknolwedge that now isn't the time for him to have made the same choice. I wish I could be angry. But I'm not. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm hurting like a son of a bitch. But I will be ok.  But those are my feelings and have nothing to do with him. And, if he reads this, I hope he understands that I absolutely acknowledge the love that he has given to me.

I know that PJ only entered my life a few weeks ago. But I can't imagine my life without him as a part of it. But, I can't let him be a part of that world. Not right now. I want more than anything for my phone to ring and for him to say that he has changed his mind. But I honestly don't think I could believe him. And that would be about my fear...making a judgement about the possibility that he could change his mind. And that is why I totally understand the decision he made. I wish it were a different decision. Oh God I wish it were a different decision. I believe with all my heart that it was the wrong decision for him to make. Because it was a decision made on what ifs instead of what is.  But it was his decision to make. And as much as I hurt. I have to respect that.

Please, for those of you that know us personally, I am asking that you give me some time and space to sit with this. I know that there is mad love out there from my community. And I will call if I need to talk. But right now, I need to figure out how to move forward knowing that I'm in love with a  person that loves me...but that this time...despite what we learned growing up...love wasn't enough. PJ I love you. Going to always love you. I know you love me. I don't care what it takes or what you have to do...papi...but you need to find the healing that is going to allow you to have your fears, look at them, recognize what is valuable in them, and then rip them to shreds if they ever again keep you from anything that your heart desires so very much.  And please remember to try and eat your vegetables.