To the Woman at 712 Santa Fe SE in Albuquerque...

So for the most part I am a pretty laid back guy. I don't lose my temper very often...and I rarely yell. Excluding siblings...I have perhaps been in three or four physical altercations in my life (add in sibling fights...and I'm a veteran)...and exactly two since I left for college in 1995. I was never suspended...I had detention exactly once in the 8th grade for allegedly calling my friend Thi a bitch (I never said it...I was thinking it...but I didn't say it). And I have yet to get even as much as a parking ticket (although I've had two accidents since moving to Albuquerque...my bad). So, I'm a relatively well composed sort of guy that gets along with most folks. So...when someone does something needlessly evil...I tend to get a little riled up...generally that person is either treated to a verbal breakdown in front of a large group of people that general causes them to hate me and plot my death (Sorry Nelly)...or I send a written communication that never says anything overtly insulting but leaves the target feeling a helpless rage that has no outlet as they have nothing specific to point to as its cause (that's because it's their own assinine nature...plus...I'm sneaky).

Well...the day after I arrived in Albuquerque...The Kaiser (my newly purchased 1991 VW Passat) decided that he was tired...and wouldn't move anymore. So...Gigi's beaux Larry helped me push the car the three blocks to Gigi's house. I parked The Kaiser across the street from her house in front of an empty lot. I had no idea at the time that I was committing a great sin. A few days after parking The Kaiser in front of the mentioned small patch of wild desert in the middle of the city...I found a note on my car from the woman that owned the house next to the empty lot. The note suggested that if I were staying at 709 Santa Fe that I should park my car in front of 709. The note...of course...was unsigned. But...according to Gigi...the occupant of 712 Santa Fe is a large, unhappy, Mexican (HIspanic) Republican that spends most of her time wishing she were someone else and hating all her neighbors for being content with who they are...and according to Gigi's Mom...she's been that way since she was a little girl. Now...being an adult with a grown child of her own...she has determined to rule her small patch of desert with an iron fist and to rail against any that would impinge on what she views as her right and proper domain. So...I kindly left her a note on the reverse side of the note which she left for me which kindly informed her that this was a public street, that would soon be moving from Gigi's house into my own apartment, and that if she had any questions or concerns she should feel free to call me at the number provided...she never called...and I thought the matter was over...how naive I was...and how little I knew of the depths of her small-minded evil ways.

About a week after moving out of Gigi's pad...I got a call from La Gigi telling me that an orange sticker was attached to the window of my car. I scooted over to her house to find that the car had been tagged as abandoned, and I was given seven days to move the car or have it impounded at my expense. At that moment...a great darkness was born in my soul. But...after Gigi convinced me that returning to the woman's house in the middle of the night and leaving a dog poop souflee on her front porch was probably counter-productive...I found it in my heart to forgive her (it was the Christian thing to do...). Larry and I pushed the car into Gigi's carport. And I had little thought of the incident between that day towards the end of September and today. Today...just as I was laying down to take a nap...I received a phone call from the previous owner of the vehicle stating that she'd received a letter from the Albuquerque Police Department saying that I had abandoned the car and failed to register it under my name (please note that the same day I received this call I recieved the new car title in the mail...thank you). I called Ms. Coffee back and filled her in on the history withe occupant of 712 Santa Fe...which calmed her nerves...I hung up the phone and began plotting my revenge.

In the past I would have written a letter to the woman and sent it without really thinking of the impact or implications (Gigi still has to live across the street from the Bionic B!tch). Today I decided that I needed to be a bigger person (believe me...a HARD feat)...than the occupant of 712 Santa Fe...so instead of sending her the letter...I thought I would express my feelings here...with the letter I would have sent to her if I weren't such a sweet person.

Large Unhappy Occupant

712 Santa Fe Avenue SE

Albuquerque, NM 87109

Dear MegaStankHo:

I received a phone call today from the previous owner of my car saying that she'd received a notice from the Albuquerque Police Department that her car had been abandoned outside of your house. Now, I completely understand that you struggle with extremely low self-esteem and gross obesity...but...I was not aware that you were also legally blind or suffered occassional schizoid delusions. As you are well aware my car was neither abandoned nor parked in front of your home.

I left you a note indicating that if you had any problems with my car being parked near your house that you should contact me directly. From what I understand from your neighbors  you do actually speak English fairly well and finally learned to read thanks to the people at Hooked-on-Phonics...adult illiteracy is a severe problem in the United States, and I am proud of you for taking control of your world and learning to read. I also understand that you may be carrying around a large amount of displaced anger in addition to your cellulite...due to the fact that your daughter is widely recognized as the Slut of the Barrio. I hear you even had her try and seduce the cable man to get free cable...but that he actually is discriminating in who and what he puts in his mouth.

Your nieghbors also mentioned that you are Republican (ummm...you are also people of color...here's a new word for you...sound it out...oxymoron)..and frankly...I'm surprised that you haven't been court ordered into a mental institution...permanently. Well...I'm very sad to hear that the way you pass your days is concoting new and more diabolical ways to prove that you did indeed puree your heart and eat it with some ritz crackers (when you are bored I recommend spending some time reflecting on how you've accomplished nothing with your life...there...there...don't you feel better?). In the end, your lack of judgement came shining through because  you chose the wrong faggot to fuck with. In the end...the car is safe...you are an ugly example of a human being...and I quite thoroughly enjoyed watching free cable during my stay across the street.

With the deepest affection,

Sincerely,

Brandon

Now...you see...if I were to mail this letter to her then I would be participating in a vicious cylce that could only ending up hurting someones feelings. Instead...I am practicing the art of creative expression...and sharing this letter with you. If you are ever in Albuquerque, you should stop 712 and see for yourself what happens when one person allows their unhappiness to rot their spirit. Perhaps she should start a blog...get all that evil out into the open air...and leave the innocent alone.