Saved By the Blog....

I am seriously going to start requiring that all of my staff write a daily blog. Really. This shit is some seriously potent therapy. And since the folks I work with are just as crazy as I am...I may start a YouthAction blog ring...either that...or a forced therapeutic residential program for the insanely mentally ill. I'll be right there along with them. Maybe they will let us share a rubber room at the Kooky Nutso Spa and Grill in Sedona. But back to the topic at hand...the last couple of days...as you might have read...have been on the emotional side. But...for the first time during and after a break-up...I am able to see very clearly and feel very clearly what I need to see and feel without taking on a bunch of crap that I shouldn't take on and without taking the break up as a commentary on me or on my worth as a person.

Oh yeah...I used to suffer from some majorily low self-esteem that generally manifested as a type of co-dependence (the definition of co-dependence is finding ones self-worth from external sources...not...as it is popularly used...limited to another person...it can be from work, school, physical appearance...etc.).  I found almost all of my self-worth from my resume...the things I accomplished...how fast I was promoted...how stacked I could make my resume...from sex and realtionships...and just about every other external source that I thought made me look good. And that's the rub. You see the world is trained to celebrate people that advance, do well, succeed...folks that suffer from severe over-achievers syndrome (which is ALWAYS a manifestation of co-dependency)...only have that co-dependency reinforced as the people around them oooh and awe at how they can safe the rainforest, run a marathon, breast feed, and speak six languages fluently all at the same time. There are very few people in the world that have the space, wisdom, or experience to see the over-achiever and say...HEY...ummm...hold on...all that you are doing right there...yeah...the rainforest...running...speaking...breast feeding...and playing the tambourine....all that...is crazy. You're crazy. Stop being crazy.

Now...I still derive way too much of my self-worth from external sources. But the break up with PJ has been one of those life experiences that allows you to see in a very real way how far you have come. Previously...on day three...I would be locked in my room...in the dark...covers up around my head...watching Beaches...and eating everything that wasn't immediately lethal to consume. Today I find myself a little bitter...but playfully bitter...a smidge angry...but overall...pretty ok.  There is a book called the Four Agreements that I love and try to live by. I'm going to re-read it shortly...but one of things it says is that why should you spend your time trying to convince someone that you love to love you...or...why should you try and hold on to someone that is trying to pull away. Each of us is worth being loved and honored without reservation. If the person you are with or want to be with isn't eager to be with you...then that is not the person for you...or at least not perhaps at that time. Life is too short to spend time with anyone (be it lover or friend) that does not want to truly be with you and a part of your life. Contrary to what the Advertising Industry would have you believe..there is no love shortage in this world...there is plenty enough for everyone to have seconds, thirds, and fourths...and what's even better...is that it contains 0 grams of transfats, no calories or carbs...is totally organic...and it's free. So go out and get you some...but be careful...the generic brands (Infatuation...Lust...Need...to name a few popular brands)...don't taste as good...are full of empty calories...and often costs way more than its worth.