What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted...

Last night I was in the car listening to the soundtrack from Rent. There is a song, track sixteen to be specific...where the lyrics read: "There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No day but today. Forget regret or life is yours to miss...we may wake tomorrow to find that it isn't there...there's only now. There's only here. We live to love or live in fear. No other path. No other way. No day but today."

That may be the mot simply profound set of lyrics of any song ever. At the very least they speak to what I am going through right now. I texted those lyrics to PJ last night. I thought very hard about doing it. I do not want, by my actions, to add to my own pain or to the difficult of this situation. But I can't consider the possibility that someone I love (PJ) is going to spend the rest of his life dodging any chance of pain and any hope of love. I also do not want anyone to be sitting where I am sitting right now. So I made an offering of those lyrics.

You can choose to and try and control what is going to happen tomorrow but tomorrow might never come. You can choose to have the courage to love or you can spend your life living in fear. You can't do both. You have to make a choice. We, any of us, only has today. Right now. I spent about 27.5 years of my life trying to not get hurt again. Until one day someone told me that I have no power outside of this moment right now. I can't do anything about the moment that has just past. If I have done something in error or made a mistake in the current moment I have the power to offer an apology and make an amends...attempt to correct the mistake and learn from it. But if I spend my time trapped in regret or shame of something that has already happened, I am living outside of right now. I can learn from it. I can grow from it. Or I can let it take the joy away from today.  I don't know what the next moment will bring and if I spend my energy in the current moment trying to control the next I am going to miss what is happening right now in front of me. I will never be able to control the actions of another person. And because I can not control the actions of another person, I will never be 100% safe from being hurt by anyone that I choose to allow to enter my life. And by demanding that anyone who comes into my life leave me with no room for doubt or fear of the potential of being hurt I am demanding that they meet a standard of perfection that no one will ever be able to meet.  This doesn't mean that I ignore my safety or disregard feelings that come up. But it does mean that I have to take those feelings and honestly acknowledge whether they are rooted in something the other person has done or if it is something deeper...a fear rooted protectionism that serves only to take me out of life and keep me safe from living. I'm no longer willing to sacrifice life because I'm afraid  because of what might happen tomorrow.

But I need to be really honest. I'm tired of being grown up and adult. I want to know why the hell it is that I'm the one sitting here hurting. I want to know why that is acceptable. I want some really clear answers. I know that people come into your life for a reason and a purpose. I want to know what the hell this is all for. If it is to demonstrate to me how much I have grown and matured and come to an understanding of my self...I say WHO THE FUCK CARES. Like I'm supposed to extrapolate some wonderous life lesson from this shit and be content with fact that I once again let someone into my life that managed to rip me apart but this time I have come far enough along my life path to know that is just part of living. KISS MY ASS. Basically.

You know...part of my "training" as an activist among other things is that even when we do not agree with the decisions of others we have to respect them or at least acknowledge each persons soveriegn right to make choices for themselves and their lives...that's the basis for many of our freedom struggles. But what happens to the folks impacted by the decisions of others? Where's the fine print that lays that all out. Why is it that in order to really be able to move on with my life I have to live it without PJ? Why is that the only decision left to me? He gets to be safe inside his fear walls, and I get to wonder how the hell I am going to continue breathing. I didn't know I could hurt like this. I don't want to regret the last month at all. Not at all. But right now it's hard to see clearly through this shit. And anyone that can demand any form of rationality from me with regards to this situation can very plainly save the effort and the breath or bandwith. I'm so struggling not to internalize any of this. PJ has lived his life with so much courage...he's been held at gunpoint, had his life threatened on so many occasions, but he belived in his work so much that he kept going back and kept putting himself at risk for what he knew was right. My first thought was...aren't I worth the risk? I mean I was holding love to his head not a gun. But I'm really clear right now that the real issue is the fact that he, right now, isn't sure if he is worthy of love and receiving the love of others. And because he doesn't believe that he is worth the love of others, he can not find the courage to let himself be loved. I know this story all too truly. I remember sitting in a group session at Pride Institute...I believe I had just finished doing my chem use history...and the folks in the room went around and each of them said what they thought of me. The love the came out of them towards me was more than I could handle. From the first caring and loving words that came out of their mouth I started crying. I had just read a journal entry  basically condeming myself as the worst human being ever...and my eye wasn't even moist...but throw some love at me and I fell out. Andrea, the counselor, looked at me and said...that it was painful to see how much it hurt me to be given love from other people...that I couldn't see and feel the deep love and affection that so many people have for me...and that it was plain that I could and had done so much for so many other people but I couldn't let myself believe that I could really be loved...because I didn't believe I was worth enough as a person to be loved. I could accept anyone else no matter what their faults. No matter they had done or what mistakes they made...but I couldn't offer myself that same level of amnesty.  Another time, in her office, Andrea told me that she wishes that I could see myself through her eyes. Not a week ago I said the same thing to PJ. And in the end what makes this so fucking hard is not because I lack understanding of what PJ is going through but because I understand very clearly. And because I understand clearly. Because I understand that one day he is going to find the strength to kick down the barriers he's built around himself and something...some experience is going to give him that bit of courage necessary to challenge the face he thinks he sees in the mirror...and at that moment...I won't be there. I won't be able to see that and celebrate that. He said to me that he wants me to be a part of his life. How the hell can that ever be a possibility. I will always wonder if he is still tilting at windmills...and I want to be his partner...not his Sancho Panza.