Little Me (Part One)....

(Please note...my therapist has required that I have a daily conversation with my inner 10 year old...so I'm going to do it via blog....I am going to write these blog entries...which will be grouped under the heading Little Me...as if I were that 10 to 12 year old...I might have a break down).

I am scared today. Really scared. I can hear Mom crying on the other side of the door. I can hear him choking her. It's dark in the hallway. And I don't know what to do. He's hurting her, and I can't move. I'm just sitting here and its dark. My little brother is asleep. I don't want him to wake up. I don't want him to hear this. I'm afraid that he's going to kill her. I'm afraid she's going to die. And I'm too little to do anything. I hate him. I hate him and the drugs he takes. I hate his pills. I hate that he won't let us play Nintendo. I hate that he hurts my Mom. I wish he would never have come back from the hospital. I wish he would go back to the hospital. I pray every night for God to make me a vampire. I promised him I would only hurt the bad people. I would hurt Dale. I would kill him for what he's doing to my Mom. He's stopped, and I can hear her crying. I'm going to kill everyone that's ever made her cry. Everyone that's ever hurt her. She thinks that we don't hear. She thinks that we don't know. But we know. I know. I always know. And I'm so angry. I'm angry with her for bringing them. I'm angry at them for hurting her. I'm angry at him for hurting her. I'm angry at him for hurting me. I hate him. And there's nothing I can do about it. I hate me because I can't stop him. All I can do is sit here in cry. Go back to my room and pretend I'm asleep. Until he leaves. Until I can see if she's ok. Until she can pretend that he didn't mean it...until she can get up the courage to take us away. Or leave us again...leave us with Daddy...and he's worse than Dale...he's the worst of all. He's the one I would kill first. If God would make me a vampire.  But I'm too little. And I can't do anything about any of it. So I'll pretend everything's ok. That my Daddy will come and take me away. He'll fly in on a jet with the rest of the airforce and drop bombs on all those people that make me cry that hurt my Mom that hurt my little brother. He's going to come and take me away to Japan and live with him and my little sisters.  He's going to come. I know he is. Some day. Some day. I never know when he's going to come. He calls and then I fly to see him. I never tell him about how they treat my Mom. I never tell him because I'm so happy when I'm there. I don't tell him because I'm too scared. I'm not supposed to know. No one is supposed to know. No one is supposed to see. They never know. They never know. He's left now. And I'm going to go and see Mom. She's crying still. I can see the marks on her neck. She pretends like nothing is wrong. She hugs me. And all I want to do is kill him. But I can't I'm too little. All I can do is cry.