Nothing Profound...

I'm having a day where I really wish I had something profound to say...but I really don't. I'm feeling slightly depressed and a little overwhelmed. I'm also feeling as if I've gotten a way...a little bit...from the original purpose of this blog. In the beginning I started this blog as a way to externalize my experiences...as a way to be able to go back and look at what I am thinking and feeling outside of myself. Somewhere along the way I feel as if I've fallen, a little bit, into the trap that I've always laid for myself. As this blog has grown in popularity and more people have started reading it...I have found myself focusing more on the entertainment aspect of my writing than on focusing on my personal experiences and being completely honest with where I am at in this moment. Now I haven't made anything up a la Million Little Pieces or whatever the hell that book is called...this recovering addict has enough life experiences that I don't need to make up shit...hell...I'm surprised my life hasn't been made into an HBO Special Series...imagine the ratings people. This is Daytime Emmy quality stuff I'm putting out right here.

But really...I've been doing some self censoring...like today...I started to write a blog that told ya'll straight up that I'm depressed, overwhelmed, and I want to crawl back into my bed and sleep until the second coming. Then I erased what I'd written so far and started to write something funny and caustic (imagine that!). Then I said...fcuk it (you know...like the t-shirts)...and decided  I'd just go ahead and write whatever came into my little medicated brain. Someone once told me that my mind is a bad neighborhood where I should never go by myself...that might be true...but I've got a can of mace and the club...and I'm going for a scenic tour. I'm afraid I might get car jacked.

Leo...my friend, mentor, former sponsor once said that we all go through slumps in nuestra vidas locas. And that when the slumps come we just need to ride them out. They are natural. They don't last forever. And motivation will come along again. I know he's right but that comes up against my unnatural desire to always be on...to always be producing...to always be growing...learning...changing...being...acheiving...when I really need to sit the hell down and just let what is going on in my head/heart/soul go ahead and do its thing. Life is going to do life...whether I like how its playing out or not. Truthfully...other than my disasterous financial state...I'm doing allright. Money makes me worry like a Russian in a marketplace...but that ain't nothing new. Plus with folks like Josh and Jeremy to lecture me on my lack of financial responsibility...I'm sure that I'll get it one of these days. Plus...in the desert yesterday I was listening to two of those fundie Christian financial advice programs...they were scary...but man...the fundies are funna be rich ya'll...I'm just saying.

This weekend I am going to spend pretty much by myself. I am going to see lots of movies. I am going to clean my house...from top to bottom...even if I have to plug in a hose, put plastic over the tv and dvd player, and just let loose.  I thought about going on a hike this weekend...but that would involved getting in my car and driving to the mountains...although that's only 20 minutes away...the thought of being in my car for more than 8 minutes and 30 seconds is enough to make me think about pulling a Thelma and Louise.

The world is a changin' all the time. And no matter how much I'd like it to just let me go on about my business, watching movies, and disappearing into my futon...I doubt that's in the cards for me. I'll get out of this funk...and I know enough about my mental health to know that if lasts longer than a couple of weeks its off to the psychiatrist for me...nothing like an increase in your psych meds to help you over a hump. I started this blog because the truth of my reality is that sometimes things aren't happy...perfect...hunkey dorey....and sometimes they are...part of my challenge is letting my truth out into the world...even when it hurts. I think today Little Me is going to have to have another outing into the blog. Maybe after lunch. No one expects you to face your past on an empty stomach. Thanks for reading.