The Lacy's Are Hot As Hell...

So not to toot my own familial horn...but GOD DAMN...my Father...who I adore...but ain't winning any Mr. Universe pageants anytime soon...has managed to spawn some beautiful children. Now I haven't seen a picture of my little brother Julius in some time...but he was a cute kid...so barring any puberty-on-set ugliness...my Dad's genes were made for recombining with the best in his ovum donor.  Now...my Mom was a knock out when she was young and prowling the clubs (I once had to regulate on one Mr. Jerry Jones in college when he was getting just a little bit too excited about a picture of me, Mom, and Jason when I was in the third grade)...she's still a purty lady...but there's just something about the way the Lacy genes have stepped up and done their part to show the world just why Africa is the Motherland from way back...she's been birthing homo sapiens for fifty or sixty thousand years or so now...and...well...she's improved with time...now...while I'm not shattering any mirrors when I look at them...this is not about me...this is really about my sisters...Jasmine and Shannon.

Now Jasmine knows she's working it. She's got more accesories on her bathroom counter than a Claire's Mega Store...and she's got a walk in closet with a walk-in closet built into it. The girl had ex-boyfriends dropping her off Tiffany's jewlery on her birthday...yeah...you read that right...her EX was dropping off little blue bags with golden surprises...I can't get a free meal at the golden arches...and this girl is pulling in 24k from her leftovers. Sometimes I'm afraid baby girl is TOO aware that she is cute...and one day is going to get hurt by some man that decides to show his ass in a way that will get him killed by her homo-older-brother-gone-psycho-on-any-man-that-raises-a-hand-to-his-family or she's going to end up in a fight with one of the other go go dancers who is going to get mad, break a bottle of Grey Goose, and do some ritual tatooing all over her face. And then I'll have to be on Cops Las Vegas because I done threw a go-go dancer off the top of the Venetian.

Then there is Shannon. She's the oldest of my two younger sisters. Just got another promotion in the Army...and while I don't approve of anyone being in that crazy ass colonial institution...if you're going to do it...do it well. Baby girl has advanced to a position in five years that it takes eight years or more for most people to achieve. Shannon's just as beautiful as Jasmine...but where Jasmine is game on I'm funna work the box beautiful and make that poor white boy right there have a spontaneous orgasm and then run crying from the room because he done spooged in public...Shannon is all...miss...subtle...simple style to accentuate already workin' everything else...and then...once in a while...BAM...she let's you have it...like when she wore that green dress to the military ball (check out the photo album to the left).  She's one of those beautiful folks that is going to hurt somebody without knowing she's doing it...like...there is some man right now in Fayetteville, North Carolina that spends half his day arranging to bump into my sister by "accident" in the hopes that one of these times he's going to work up the courage to ask her out. Instead...he's going to let her slip away...and he's probably a nice guy...but he has pysched himself out...cuz...well...I know what it's like to be the unsure guy...but well...I've never quite taken it to stalking...that's too much. Get some help guy...whoever you are.

Seriously though...the Lacys are some crazy people...we are country as hell...loud...most folks still have that crazy West Virginia mountain accent...tend to be educated (don't let the Appalachian stereotypes fool you...West Virginians might sound like they were born playing Deuling Banjos...but they might just be solving world hunger while they get ready for the next ho down)...or writing some Pulitzer Prize winner poetry while they fire up the still. White Lightening helps the creative process. We've got family still livin' in the town where they were living when West Virginia got a clue and broke off from Virginia during the Civil War. Unfortunately...once my Great Aunt Sis goes...there will be a whole row of empty, falling apart houses on Main Street in Ronceverte, WV that once housed many members of the Lacy tribe. Of course...Aunt Sis is living there largely alone now (although everyone in the damn town is related to us...one time we were driving around the area and my Dad would point at every house that came up and say that cousin so and so lived there...what I want to know is...who the hell do these people marry!). But Aunt Sis has one tittie (cancer survivor)...the fastest pair of crochet hooks in the South...and she's crazy as hell (by her own admission)...and most likely...she'll still be living in Ronceverte  when the South does rise again...and she'll be the first one to start shooting any crazy white folks in bed sheets trying to bring some shit back. Honey Bun don't play that.

Actually...from the way my Dad talks...the Lacy's are a diaspora unto themselves. Every time I mention to him that I am going someplace...whether it be Tennessee or Bora Bora...he tells me that I should look up Uncle and Auntie so and so or some random cousin because they would love to see me. I have never seen any of these people before in my life...they might pretend to be happy to see me...but what they will be really thinking is...why do I have to feed this stranger that showed up on my doorstep...if it were me I would ask for photo identification and DNA testing before I put the greens on. I had to do a family tree project in the 8th grade...and it turned out my 8th grade English teacher for whom I was doing the product...was a Lacy...though somehow in has branch of the fam the name had changed to Lasley...we shared a great or great-great grandfather.  The best was that my Dad just mentioned to me...in passing...that I've got some 900 year old Great-Great Aunt that's a nun in Baltimore. I thought my Dad's family were Methodist! There is a woman named Patricia Lacy that sings with the gospel group Sounds of Blackness...and Michael Blevins...member of the grammy winning group and part time hall monitor at Patrick Henry High School in the early 90s...would come up to me and swear by the almighty that this woman and I were related...I still haven't seen her...but I'm sure my Dad would be able to break it down for me. And if she's a relative...then I'm for real showing up at her house...I'm trying to go the Grammy's...for real.

The Lacys...yeah...I've still got lots to learn about them...but the more I do...the more I'm sure...that our family is an award winning doctoral thesis just waiting to be written. We're gonna make some budding pyschiatrist or sociologist or cultural anthropologist very very famous...or we're going to be a sit com. 

We're pretty. We're country. We're crazy. We're the Lacys...and that's allright with me. Have at it.