En Guarde Monsieur Depression!

I landed in Albuquerque last night at approximately 11:00pm Mountain Standard Time. By 11:01pm I felt as if I haven't been taking copious amounts of anti-depressants for the last three years. By 11:30 I was about three seconds from abandoning my suitcase at the airport because I was just that tired of waiting for it. By 12:15am, I'd popped an ambien...kept an eye out for any pre-bedtime ambien induced hallucinations...and slipped into a crazy dream filled sleep. I woke up this morning, saw the sun was up, and decided that I'd overslept. So I jumped out of bed, got in the shower, tried not to touch anything in my nasty house, and then darted out the door and walked to the office...only to discover when I got to the office that it was only 7:15am. And I wonder why I want to curl up on my office floor and slip into sweet sweet oblivion.

When I get depressed...it isn't the woe is me I'm sad my life sucks....it's more of the...I would really prefer to be asleep for 18 hours out of the day kind of thing. Of course if you are asleep...you don't have to think to yourself...woe is me my life sucks. Really my life doesn't suck. But the deal with depression is that you can't just tell yourself "suck it up kid." Because the chemicals in your head are all screaming...GO TO SLEEP. Brain chemistry tends to win every damn time. Plus, of course, depression seems to pop up at the most inopportune time...when you've got 8.6 zillion things that have to get done...you know...or bad things happen...like...your organization closes down. That sort of thing.

My friend Cathy is a very wise young woman. She sent me an email today reminding me that everyone goes through times in their life when being alive and "not homeless" is as good as happiness gets. That's West Virginia talking right there. Old wisdom and shit.  I am where I am at this moment in life and this is where I am supposed to be. I don't know why I'm supposed to be tired as hell and wishing I could check into Shady Acres Retirement Community for the Young and Sad...but that's why God is God and I'm just good looking. He'll lead me out of this desert wilderness...I just have to remember to pay my rent and let the people who love me...love me through this. Asaleikum waasalaam.