It Ain't Truth If It Doesn't Hurt

A Little Kindness...

(Feliz Dia de Los Reyes Magos a todos!)

Yesterday I was attacked by a deep craving for a Zeus Juice. Now, I know that sounds like some kind of bad Greek porn...but really...it's a divine little shop just off Girard and Central that combines a Jamba Juice with a GNC...you can get your ground up frozen fruit right along with your gargantanormous bottles of whey protein...all in one place...fantastic. So, I hopped in the Kaiser (my 91 VW Passat) and headed for smoothie heaven. The drive there was largely uneventful...although I did look in my rear view mirror to see a carful of my co-workers...though Monie's car was filled with a suspicious cloud of smoke...somehow I don't think they were doing a mobile steam room back there. Ahem.

Moments after entering the shop I was enjoying  a little taste of blueberry heaven. I thanked the smoothie woman and wished her a Happy New Year. She seemed sort of startled and then very warmly returned the well wishes. And it struck me that about 2/3rds of the time that I thank someone...a bus driver...a smoothei shop operator...my therapist...they all seem to act as if that is the first time that day anyone has said thank you to them or took a moment to appreciate their service. Now...I don't know about the rest of ya'll...but when I was growing up...I was taught to say "please" and "thank you." Maybe only Upper Midwesterners are taught to be gracious...but really...it only takes a moment to let the people around you know that you appreciate their work and their presence.

Last night, as Monie and I donned our Viking helmets and raided the new Super Target, she commented that people in the store were unusually friendly with me...now...it could be that I am simply just that pretty...but I doubt it. My hair was cock-eyed...my t-shirt raggedy...and I had some righteous gas that I'm sure was physically walking behind me with six legs and a tail. Instead I told Monie that it's probably because when an service employee speaks to me...I speak back with sincerity. As a kid whose first job was that Camera Counter at the now defunct Targhetto Northside on West Broadway in Minneapolis (where a woman once told me to go and get my manager because I told her that the "cable ready" tv she was trying to return wasn't actually broken...that cable ready didn't mean that it came with cable...only that it was ready to be connected to a cable outlet)...I completely understand what it means to work in a thankless position for a coporate monstrosity (Oh Target...I didn't mean it...I really love you)...and have to put up with folks that are so busy trying to get things done in their lives that they often have little regard for you, your feelings, or the fact that you are making wages comparable to those of a Kazakhstani goat herder. So...I make it my personal quest to make sure that I respond with a smile and a twinkle in my eye when I'm out in the world.

But there is one exception. And for those of you that have worked as servers...be warned. I totally understand that food servers often basically get kicked in the face the moment they walk in the door...but listen up...I didn't kick you...no it's not ok that it takes you 15 minutes to get me a glass of water when I sit down...please DO NOT interrupt a conversation that you can see is happening at my table (particularly six times in ten minutes)...and please do check in at the table about every 10 minutes or so...so I don't have to call out the bloodhounds in order to track you down to get my check. I always tip 20 percent...but if you provide crappy service, give me attitude that I didn't earn (and I admit that there are some days when the twinkle in my eye is actually an evil gleam...and I probably deserve to have my essence destroyed), or if you only show up to my table twice in a 45 minute meal...please don't even try and roll your eyes, throw a fit, or, as they do in New York City, chase me down the block wondering why you only got a 10% tip.  It's a tip. Not a ransom. You earn it through decent service. If you're busy. Let a sister know. I'm not evil. Just hungry. And I'm there to help you help me help you. 

Bonus Posting: Chuck Norris Facts!

Please note...my friend David Culver sent this to me. David is my new God.

Top Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers
   the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Additional Chuck Norris Facts

• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
• Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
• If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
• Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
• Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
• When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
• A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
• Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
• Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
• Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
• The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
• Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
• When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
• Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
• Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
• Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
• Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
• If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

What to Do When You Don't Know What to Do....

Hello my friends...I have returned to New Mexico after two weeks vacation for the holidays. I have to say that I had a wonderful time in NYC. Love that city. Love my friends.

But today I'm feeling the need to write about work for a little bit. So...last September, I made the move to Albuquerque to try and help the rest of the staff patch up some serious holes in the hull of our youth organizing ship. My goals were two pronged...create some stability and assist with accountability measures on the staff level--which I think I've done fairly well...and get on top of our fundraising. Well...I've worked the magic that I've got...but this tinkerbell is all out of fairy dust. We have plenty of grants going out of the door in the next few weeks...but that...alas...is not going to help us with our cash flow shortage in the next couple of months. Now my children...for those of you that find yourselves on the board of a non-profit or working in a non-profit...take a moment to check out the distribution of your funding base. YouthAction is one of those not even slightly rare organizations that relies almost completely on gifts from foundations. Any organization that has 80% or more of its income orginating from one place...is asking for a crisis. And...well...we've got ourselves one right here.

Now when I took this job I was really clear with the board that I would do my best but that my best may not be good enough. We suffered from a year without any solid leadership on the ground (not our fault...but I can't talk about whose fault it is). And one of the things that didn't get done was some serious fundraising. For the unitiated...it takes about 6 months from the time you submit a grant until you receive a check if the grant is approved. So...foundation support is not where you look for a quick influx of cash. And seeing how we get all our ducats from foundations...you can see how that could put us in a not-so-fresh feeling place.

Now I find myself where...really...I never ever ever ever wanted to find myself. Responsible for trying to figure out how to maintain the livelihoods of three people in addition to myself. The one thing I do well with money is manage it...if it belongs to someone else. But lord have mercy...when it comes to my own personal finances...I make the stock market crash of 1929 look like a regular old day at the NYSE. But the thing is...I can handle being broke. It's my default state of being. I was born broke. I've had moments of affluence...periods when I've managed to be all caught up with my bills...but...really...I'm pretty much your typical child of the working poor...never learned how to save money...and now I"m an adult that doesn't know what the hell to do with money. Jeremy save me! But this isn't about just me. I know I'm a marketable guy. If push came to shove...I know that I could work a retail job for a month or two and then shimmy off to some new exciting locale probably making two or three times what I'm making now. I've done it before. But the folks that I am tasked with supporting...pretty much don't have that option.

So I'm sitting here in my office trying to figure out how the heck to get some cash quick. There is always Hoing for Justice...a concept developed by Paula Austin back in 2000...but somehow I think that sex work as a fundraising strategy is probably not the best way to go. I'm already printing and hawking my poetry as a way to bring in some cash. I'm going to send out an emergency appeal to our mailing list. And I'm surely not above begging anyone I know that has any sort of means to give us a helping hand. But...hell...I just got an email from a friend asking to borrow money from me...as you can see...my friends aren't the Martha's Vineyard types ;-). Except Sara. Sara will probably own Martha's Vineyard some day. I want some free wine when she does.

It's a sad day when the eternal optimist starts to feel sort of pessimistic. It's probably also do to the fact that I have a mutant cold that I got as a Christmas gift from RJ and Jeremy...and the fact that I woke up at 6am this morning and my body refused to go back to sleep. But I'm really sort of running towards the ends of ideas. It's not bleak yet...but it isn't looking pretty either. So...if anyone out there that reads this blog has an extra...you know...20,000 dollars laying about...you can make the check payable to YouthAction...but..seriously...on another tip...please check out my blog from December 21st...it talks more about YouthAction and our work...and how you can suppor that work...if you find it to be compelling.