It Ain't Truth If It Doesn't Hurt

If You Believe...

This afternoon I can't get the words to the song "If You Believe" from The Wiz (sung by Miss Lena Horne in the movie version...which was the only song from the movie that was a better recording than the music from the broadway show). The words to the song are pretty simple..."If you believe...deep in your heart you'll know..no one can change the path that you must go...believe in what you feel...and know your right because the time will come around when you say its yours...believe that you can go home...believe you can float on air... (skipping a verse or two)....believe in your self right from the start...believe in the magic that's inside your heart...believe all the things not because I told you too...believe in yourself as I believe in you."

It took me a minute to figure out why that song was playing double time in my gourd. I haven't seen the Wiz for a spell. Nor have I run into Stephanie Mills in Albuquerque (although I swear Gladys Night was at the Pillsbury House Theater in Minneapolis last Saturday night at Hot Comb...I swear...) But, it didn't take me long to realize that my subconscious was trying to use that song to send me a message. FIgures my subconcious would be as stereotypical as possible and use a broadway musical...but I got the point...which is that although I go through the motions to do what needs to be done...I try and fullfill my obligations...and I attempt to stay engaged...at my core I fundamentally have a lack of belief in myself, my talents, and my gifts.

Let me try to explain. This last trip home was pretty darn fantastic. I saw lots of people I love and got to be a part of something really spectacular. I felt overwhelmed by the number of people that expressed to me their appreciation for my work and complimented me on some of the things I have accomplished. And the whole time I felt like an imposter. No matter what I achieve, no matter I accomplish...I still believe that every success I have is more a quirk of fate rather than anything that I have done. Now...academically...I know that I've worked hard...I've spent years trying to do what I think is right (and still getting a lot wrong)...I know that the opportunities I've had have been gifts and I have used the opportunities I've had well. But somewhere deep down inside...I feel that what I've been able to do in the world has been due  to circumstance, luck, and coincidence.

Let me give you an example of some of the ways this crap plays out...so I mentioned before that I just finished a play. Thus far...everyone that has read the play has raved about it. They've said that it's great and amazing work. And, yet, when I read through it...I can't see what they are seeing. Somehow...my gift of writing has become invisible to me. It's the same with my poetry. I'll write a new piece...and I'm convinced it's no good...bad stuff...ug ug pooh...and then I'll do a performance...and the crowd loves it. Now...I know this is all part of a codependency issue (FYI...codependency is not limited to needing to find validation from a relationship...it is defined as being unable to find validation or acceptance unless it comes from outside sources). Once again...academically...I know that I am a good writer. But it's not because I can look at my work and say...gee kid...you've got a cracker jack talent there...it's because for years other people have validated my writing...and therefore...I am able to accept that my writing is good. How boneheaded crazy is that.

I'm sure this entry is a shock to those of you that don't know me well. Somehow I've managed to project to the world an image of SuperBrandon. But I'm truly struggling to move from the place I am currently in to a place where I can validate myself. Folks might say...what are you talking about...you put yourself out there...you go after goals...isn't that believing in yourself? Naw. I go for the gold now and then...but it's only when I know the gold can be gotten with the skills that I already have and tha thave bene validated through previous achievement. The problem with that is that I often miss out on great opportunities because I haven't yet reached a point where I've been validated enough to go after something new that I've never done before. Lemme give you an example...we'll go back to the play I just finished...and the play that I finished last spring which has sat on my shelf for nearly a year now. So...I finally came to an understanding of myself as a playwright. But I've been dragging my feet on sending my plays out into the world...because I lack a belief in the integrity of my work...that its good and that folks will want to produce it.

Now I'm sure this blog is coming across as a woe is me gee this guy has problems. Sure. I still go out in the world and do things despite myself. But I'd really like to get to the point where I am doing because I believe in myself. When you do things despite yourself...everything you achieve...everything you earn...every success you have comes as a surprise and a cart full of doubts. When you do things because you believe in yourself...you are able to appreciate the work you have done..and feel that what you've achieved is yours...beyond the shadow of a doubt.

I know that the first step in working through a problem and overcoming a problem is identifying the problem. And this issue alone will ensure that my therapist is able to put that addition on to her house this summer. I'm also glad that my subconscious is doing its best to smack down my conscious mind. Which gives me some hope that somewhere...beyond the self-doubt...there is a part of me that believes in me.

The Next Governor of Minnesota...

I've been home for less than twelve hours...and I'm bored already. This latest trip home reminded me once again what it means to live in an actual city where there is actually something to do...just about whenever you'd like to do it. Now...Albuquerque isn't a horrible place to live. But it's definately not the place you want to be if you'd like to spend your time doing anything more than soaking in volcano powered hot springs or stuffing your face with carne adovada. If you'd like to do something...like...say...catch a show (that's theater my friends)...or anything else cultural...well...you might be able to catch something on tv...if you have cable. That statement may be a little bit unfair...but it's got enough truth in it that "fair" is ancillary to the entire conversation.

It doesn't help that yesterday I found myself in exactly the environment that I love the most...the world of politics--but not your run of the mill politics...the politics that is created when a massive group of people...committed to the betterment of society...committed to radical change...committed to reworking the fabric of what is into the limitless possibility of what can be...get together for breakfast and the most signficant announcement to hit the news media in Minnesota since lutefisk was declared a biochemical weapon.

Yesterday morning I had front row seats at the event where the next governor of Minnesota, Peter Hutchinson, officially announced his candidacy. The room was packed with the who's who of MN politics and business...grass roots activists...philanthropists...and representation from just about every other walk of life that Minnesota has to offer...some 1100 folks that hauled themselves out of bed and made it to a 7:30am event (I was there at 6:15...I think I saw Jesus getting up about the time I walked into the hotel...Mohammed had just hit his snooze button...and Yahweh was still snoring). The people of color representation in the room was a little on the skimpy side...but we'll work on that. A lot.

The last time that I sat in a room with a candidate running for public office and actually felt the urge to stand up and scream amen...was in 1998 at the College Democrats of America convention in Washington, DC when the late, great, and very short Senator Paul D. Wellstone (gearing up for his White House run) addressed the convention delegates from Minnesota at a breakfast event. While Peter is not quite as animated as Senator Wellstone (and may be an inch or two taller)...his wit, humor, obvious intelligence, and charm...combined with a clear and potent vision and message for Minnesota...won me over...again and again and again. 

Yesterday, I heard this man say something that I've never heard any official...elected or otherwise...say...and that is...it's ok to agree to disagree if in that process we can find the places where we do agree...and therein find solutions that allow us to move forward. For example...Peter (who has dedicated his life to public service...has served as MN Commissioner of Finance, Deputy Mayor of Minneapolis, and the Superintendent of the Minneapolis Public Schools---which is how I know him)...said...something along the lines of...we are never going to get the right and the left to come together around the issue of abortion...on one side it's a moral issue...on the other side it's a rights issue...and the Supreme Court has already decided the issue...so really the issue isn't an issue at all...but what we can come together on is that we need to have fewer abortions and not more...and to do that we need to support planned parenting...education...adoption...and other proven methods of creating situations where there are viable options to abortion (and all of this without limiting in any way a woman's sovreignity over her own body). This isn't a direct quote from Peter...I'm paraphrasing...but you get the idea.

On another topic...Peter was asked if he supported gay marriage (he does)...but again...he was very clear that the two sides of the gay marriage issue are never going to get together, have tea, and become bestest friends forever...so...since that isn't going to happen...let's look at the real issue...the rate of divorce in this country is ding dong crazy...let's let folks express their love for one another...get married (queers and heteros alike)...and then help them maintain their marriages and support their families (again...paraphrasing here...you want exact quotations...check out OpenUpMN.com...Peter's new website). Excuse my espanol, pero que diablos que soluciones simples...could anything be more simply put...easier to understand...and easier to do...all it requires is that those that have decided to glue their butts to the North and South poles...take a short trip to the Equator..warm up a little...and come to some solutions that are going to ehance the lives of Minnesotans (and...as much as Minnesota is made fun of in every movie that has ever been made about our lovely state...I've noticed that MN is looked to as a state that makes sense...where the people tend to make sense...and where common sense is viewed as a pre-requisite for healthy community).

I'm going to disagree with Peter just a teensy weensy bit. Peter characterizes his viewpoints as forward moving ideas (rather than leftist or conservative)...I think his ideas...are down right radical...not because they are inherently world shaking but because he is brave enough to say that the ways in which we have constructed politics and political values in Minnesota is not working. The ways in which we have constructed our efforts to get our personal needs met has trumped our history of getting our community needs met. And therefore we must not continue to do what we have always done or we will continue to get what we have always gotten and Minnesota can not afford that for another four years. I agree. Dear God do I agree. People in Minnesota are desperately ready for change. The government shut down of last fall, Pawlenty's refusal to speak English (yet his relentless targetting of immigrants!)...his preference for doublespeak...you know...things like...we're going to charge you three times as much for a fishing license...but that's not a tax...it's a fee...well...the MN Supreme Court showed that shmuck that a tax by any other name is still a tax and if you call it something else...well...it's unconstitutional and it's going to drive MN's deficit higher (Minnesotans are notoriously opposed to deficits...go figure), Pawlenty's refusal to accept the fact that it's his lack of support of education that has done as much to stifle education in MN than perhaps any other issue, oh yeah...let's not forget transportation...with three of the states five million people living in the metro area...all screaming for an answer to congestion (it can get noisy...all that yelling)...Pawlenty and his cronies at the capital had to learn that when three million people start demanding answers (the Northstar Rail line for instant)...you ignore them at your own peril...which is why state Democrats booted 12 Republicans from their cushy suburban House districts. MN's lakes and streams...a matter of pride where I come from...are slowly becoming more akin to bodies of water you might find in  New Jersey. Minnesota's current Governor may be smoother than former Governor Jesse Ventura...but he got a whole helluva lot less done in four years than Jesse got done in his first 18 months in office. It's time for a change...and by change I don't mean from DFL to Republican...but from has been to what will be.

MN has a long history of turning to third party candidates when the major parties have gotten their heads so far up their backsides that they prefer anal spelunking to actual good faith governance. In it's history MN has had Farmer Labor governors, a socialist governor, an Independence Party Governor, a Democrat-Silver governor, and a whole list of other governors that didn't belong to the big two. And, without a doubt, the list of Minnesota's most influential, dynamic, and influential govenor's tend to come from the lists of the "outsider" governors than the cookie cutter toss ups offered by the major parties (except Arne Carlson...he was a Republican...and he did a heckuvalot for Minnesota...shhh...I might get kicked out of the Green Party for saying that).  MN has had four years of caca...and it's time to flush. For all the reasons I've mentioned here and for so many many many more...I'm supporting Peter Hutchinson. I'm planning on moving home at the end of the spring to work for his campaign...that's just how much I believe in this man and his vision and also the visions of the people with whom he's surrounded himself (his wife Karla is at the top of that list...she will be a First Lady of Minnesota that'll make Hilary Clinton look like a hack! No offense Hil...you got my vote in 2008). I'm willing to give whatever I have (time, money, my hand in marriage...well...not my hand in marriage...but you get the hint) to help Peter into that lovely home on Summit Avenue (and into the capitol too...but I'm hoping Peter will host a slumber party or two at the governor's mansion)...and I hope you will join me.

A Great Trip Home...

This is going to be a super short blog entry...but this has been one of my best trips home EVER! Tomorrow will include a full break down of the last five days...and it is something you won't want to miss. Saw my straight crush today...my heart went thump thump thump....BANG BANG BANG...pitter pat...WOOOHOOOO! More on that too ;-)