My Intestines Are Going to Explode....

Last night, I thought my intestines were going to blow up. I was laying on the couch...and was so jam packed full of gas and corrosive bubbling shit...that every time I moved...or tried to boo at Sanjaya...I started to holler. I don't know what I ate, but I ain't never ever eating it again.

In the middle of the night last night...I was awoken by a wicked gurggling in my belly...I felt my small intestine shift, my sphincter slammed shut and twisted, and I sprinted to the bathroom. I'm glad that my roommate was at his boyfriend's house last night or the sonic boom that sounded when I released my ass valve...would surely have woken him up and the shock waves would have thrown him to the floor. I'm surprised I didn't have to reset all the electronics in the house from the electro-magnetic wave that clearly shot straight out of my ass.

I had to get up this morning and inspect the porcelain for cracks. Luckily the Midtown purchased heavy duty toilets...or the manufacturers have done some extensive testing. I'm feeling much better pressure wise this morning, but I still feel a little off. I'm going to go the gym and see if I can work it off a little bit...maybe some fresh spring air will do me good...except...oh yeah...I live in Minnesota---where it decided to snow yesterday. Although, it's not as bad as two years ago when it snowed on May 1st. Ridiculous.

uh-oh. I just felt another gurgle. I think, perhaps, this blog is at an end for today.