It Ain't Truth If It Doesn't Hurt

From GEICO to Optimus Prime

A LETTER TO
OPTIMUS PRIME
FROM HIS GEICO
AUTO INSURANCE
AGENT.

BY JOHN FRANK WEAVER

- - - -

Dear Mr. Prime,

We have received your accident-claim reports for the month of June—they total 27. I regret to inform you that GEICO will not be able to reimburse you for any of those repairs. I feel that I have sent the same letter to you once a month for the last six months, and I am now sending it again.

Since becoming a GEICO customer in January of this year, you have reported 131 accidents, requesting reimbursement for repairs necessitated by each one. You have claimed not to be responsible in any of them, usually listing the cause of the accident as either "Sneak attack by Decepticons" or "Unavoidable damage caused by protecting freedom for all sentient beings."

The only repairs for which you were reimbursed were the replacement of a cracked fender and a headlight, required after a Mr. I. Ron Hide backed his van into your truck; these cost $1,286.63. Our own investigation concluded that you were not at fault and that Mr. Hide had been drinking prior to the accident. Though police were unable to test his blood-alcohol level—Mr. Hide claimed that it would be impossible for police to examine his blood-alcohol content with a Breathalyzer, because he "doesn't breathe"—under Washington-state law, refusal to take a Breathalyzer test is equivalent to returning a result above the legal level.

But, I repeat, those were the only repairs for which you have been reimbursed, and it was a very minor accident in comparison to your other claims. I mention a few to illustrate the larger trend:

• $379,431.34 requested reimbursement for repairs to your truck cabin. You claimed the damage was caused by attacking fighter jets.

• $665,789.11 requested reimbursement for repairs to your trailer. You claimed the damage was caused by a giant mechanical scorpion, which I can only assume is some amusement-park ride, although I question the wisdom of bringing your mobile home so close to such dangerous equipment.

• $6,564,239.44 requested reimbursement for repairs to a truck part called the "Autobot Matrix of Leadership." You stated this occurred in "an ultimate confrontation between good and evil," with a Ms. Meg Atron and a Mr. U. Nicron causing the damage in question. Mr. Prime, I have checked every known car- and truck-part catalog published in the United States and have found nothing even resembling that part, never mind any part so expensive. Whatever disagreements you had with Ms. Atron and Mr. Nicron, I suggest that next time you either settle things peaceably or leave your Autobot Matrix of Leadership at home so it doesn't break. GEICO does not cover Autobot Matrix of Leaderships.

And the list goes on. Mr. Prime, I am going to remind you again: Your policy with GEICO only reimburses you for accidents that occur while you are engaged in the reasonable use of your truck and trailer. As I told you when you originally purchased the policy, GEICO does not offer Megatron coverage, Starscream coverage, Soundwave coverage, Decepticon coverage, or Energon-blast coverage. Those are just not the types of damages we would expect from reasonable use.

To sum up, GEICO has been unable to reimburse you for any repairs, but due to the high number of accidents you have been a party to this month, combined with the many accidents you have had in the preceding five months, your premium has increased to $235,567.50 per month. While that may seem like a lot, I remind you that it is a savings of $137 over Progressive and $98 over State Farm. Please have your check into our main office by the end of July.

Regards,

Simon Furman
GEICO Agent

CONGRATULATIONS RJ!!!!

One RJ Thompson, henceforth to be known as RJ Thompson, Esquire...was today admitted to the George Bar and will be sworn in as a lawyer on June 8, 2006.

ROCK EL CASBAH RJ! ROCK EL CASBAH!

The Gays Are Trying to Get Married...

I received this email today courtesy of my pal David Culver...a straight man who knows more about video games and comic books than anyone...ever. David is the proverbial dookie extraordinaire.

On Wednesday, March 1st, 2006, in Annapolis at a hearing on the proposed Constitutional Amendment to prohibit gay marriage, Jamie Raskin, professor of law at AU, was requested to testify.

At the end of his testimony, Republican Senator Nancy Jacobs said: "Mr. Raskin, my Bible says marriage is only between a man and a woman. What do you have to say about that?"

Raskin replied: "Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You did not place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible."

The room erupted into applause.

Cited at Science Blogs

Bonus Posting: From His Holiness...

A MEMO FROM THE VATICAN by PAUL RUDNICK Issue of 2006-03-06 Posted 2006-02-27 From: His Holiness To: All seminaries Subject: While the Church approves of ordaining “transitory” homosexuals—that is, those men willing to take subways and buses rather than taxis—according to our most recent directive we “cannot admit to the priesthood those who practice homosexuality, present deeply rooted homosexual tendencies, or support the so-called ‘gay culture.’ ” The following questionnaire should be used to help identify and root out such truly committed homosexuals. 1. Jesus would have been a bad boyfriend because: (a) He wasn’t gay or sexual in any way, so the question is disgusting. (b) He would have cared about everyone, but not enough about you. (c) He wasn’t really Jewish. 2. Priests traditionally wear black with a white collar because: (a) The attire is simple and modest. (b) It’s slimming. (c) The matching quilted shoulder bag is what really makes the whole thing work. 3. Priests take a vow of poverty because: (a) It’s selfless and humbling. (b) It’s handy when the check comes. (c) It makes their apartments feel larger. 4. Should Kate Moss be allowed to take Communion? 5. If there were a Fox series set in the Vatican, it should star: (a) Wilfred Brimley, as a wise, compassionate Pontiff. (b) Jennifer Love Hewitt, as a lovely and devout young nun who can talk to martyrs. (c) Me and Heath. Period. 6. If you found yourself attracted to another priest, you would: (a) Ask him to pray with you to battle the sinful urge, over drinks. (b) Banish all such thoughts from your mind until you lose fifteen pounds. (c) Ask him, “What’s black and white and wants your number?” 7. When you were watching “The Passion of the Christ,” did you ever think, It’s deeply moving and profoundly important, but it’s not “Chicago”? 8. God is: (a) All-loving and all-forgiving. (b) All-loving and all-forgiving, sometimes. (c) All-loving and all-forgiving, unlike white spandex tank tops. 9. Do you believe that the Ten Commandments should apply to everyone except Dennis Quaid? 10. If a couple asked you to christen their baby with the name Tiffany, would you respond, “Why don’t we just call her You Big Trailer Park Whore?”? 11. Do you believe that the Church should get involved in the final round of “American Idol”? 12. If you were asked to counsel a young couple who were about to be married, would your first topic be “Everyday china”? 13. Whom would you recommend for sainthood? (a) Mother Teresa. (b) Mother Teresa’s less popular sister, Linda. (c) Any of Mariah Carey’s personal assistants. 14. The phrase “Hate the sin but love the sinner” refers to: (a) Homosexuals. (b) Fried foods. (c) Kelly Ripa. 15. Essay question: Why didn’t God just destroy Sodom and Gomorrah through overgentrification? 16. In the Gnostic Gospels, which apostle is referred to as “scrumptious”? (This is a trick question, because, no matter what Luke says, it’s not Mark.) 17. If your bishop asked you to take a vow of silence, what would your response be? (a) Unquestioning obedience. (b) To comically mime the words “Stop it!” (c) To scribble on your notepad, “Fire!” 18. What is the difference between God and Oprah? (a) None of God’s book is true. (b) God didn’t create Dr. Phil. (c) God still won’t do “Letterman.”

Peace in the Mideast...

The Peace between Palestinians and Jews

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, each day, for a very long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years?!?! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims".
"I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after 60 years of praying?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

(I stole this from my friend Nawwaf's blog...Nawwafie rocks!)

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, each day, for a very long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years?!?! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims".
"I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after 60 years of praying?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

(I stole this from my friend Nawwaf's blog...Nawwafie rocks!)

Bonus Posting: Chuck Norris Facts!

Please note...my friend David Culver sent this to me. David is my new God.

Top Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers
   the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Additional Chuck Norris Facts

• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
• Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
• If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
• Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
• Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
• When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
• A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
• Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
• Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
• Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
• The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
• Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
• When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
• Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
• Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
• Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
• Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
• If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.